


They Both Die At The End

by jisungtinydick



Category: Monsta X (Band), SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27593344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisungtinydick/pseuds/jisungtinydick
Summary: “I’m scared.”“This is my fourth time trying."
Relationships: Kim Mingyu/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	They Both Die At The End

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from They Both Die At The End by Adam Silvera, though the plot isn't based on that story

Kihyun peers through the slight gap of the door into Hyunwoo’s room and mentally thanks him for finally falling asleep. He’s about to slip the letter into the bedroom so the elder doesn’t panic as soon as he wakes up until he realises doing so would only interfere with what he had planned. Silently, he pockets the folded piece of paper in the front of his hoodie and slowly makes his way down the stairs and out the front door.

Outside is dark, the only source of light coming from the few lampposts still working and his phone screen. It’s around 1:00 in the morning, so he’s pretty confident in not accidentally seeing someone who would stop to question his motives. Hands in his pocket, fumbling around with the note he had written the night before, he swiftly turns the corner and walks the path he had become oh so familiar with this past month.

Kihyun’s head is completely empty and his eyes are glazed over once he spots his destination and his pace quickens with his heart as his anticipation rises. After a few more steps, he’s able to reach out and grab on to the railing, head dropping to look at the ground as he tightens his grip. He wants to yell, but that would only gain unwanted attention, so he holds himself back. He whispers a thank you to Hyunwoo – he had been the only one keeping him sane since his mental health started dropping this rapidly, the only one who didn’t leave him in fear for themselves.

As far as everyone else was concerned, they knew Kihyun was falling further from reality with every day that went by but in their minds, it was inevitable, so they just… let him. There were the select few that tried to reach out and hold his hand through it but he proved to be too difficult and they would give up after the second day, only making him trip and stumble even more.

He shakes his head and looks up at the body of water rushing in front of him. Hopefully this time he’ll get it right. Just as he’s about to move to the other side of the metal railing, somebody’s tapping his shoulder and a laugh escapes from his broken lips; of course there’s something trying to stop him. He wishes people would just stop pitying him, pretending like they give a shit when they’d rather close their eyes and walk away. “You’re not changing my mind, so fucking leave,” he spits out, shrugging the hand off him.

There’s an awkward pause as the stranger thinks of what to say but they make no attempt to leave Kihyun alone so he sighs and turns around to take a look at whoever it is. Obviously the other hadn’t expected this, eyes growing wider and smiling nervously which should have been cute, but he’s just annoyed. “I- uh, well I wasn’t gonna stop you,” now _that_ sparks Kihyun’s interest and he prompts him to continue, “I’m kind of here for the same thing, I guess, so that would be hypocritical of me.” The stranger is at least ten centimetres taller than him, so it feels weird to have to physically look up at someone who’s saying such vulnerable words.

He’s worrying his pale lips between his teeth and his anxiety is painfully clear to Kihyun, so it’s no surprise when he quietly mumbles out “I’m scared.”

“This is my fourth time trying,” it’s blunt and probably not what he needed to hear right now, but he had lost the ability to comfort people after everyone stopped bothering to comfort him. “I’m desperate.”

“Hi desperate, I’m dad,” is the response he gets and it’s so unexpected that Kihyun thinks he gets mental whiplash – the absurdity makes him laugh despite it being such an unoriginal and utterly stupid joke. The stranger visibly relaxes at the sound, his shoulders lowering.

He holds out his hand, “Hi dad, I’m Kihyun.”

“Mingyu,” he takes his hand with his and shakes it.

Silence falls between them once again except in the dark, now looking at each other, the pair welcome it. Mingyu’s hands are fidgeting as he moves next to Kihyun, arms flailing across the metal bar and looking hopelessly out to the river. It’s a sad sight to have to see, and Kihyun knows the thoughts running through his mind as his eyes start to water. He’d been like that his first time too.

“I wanna see their reactions. Is that bad?” He says, still facing out to the sky and water, “I wanna see their faces when they find out and see if they even give a shit.” It’s grim and borderline evil, but Kihyun gets it – he’s been there. He twists around to join him in watching the small waves crash together.

“Not a clue who you’re on about, but if they’re important to you, they’re gonna miss you, hands down,” Mingyu opens his mouth to deny it, but Kihyun keeps talking, “You’re standing here with me, so it’s obvious you’re not gonna believe me but I’m confident in it.” His eyes follow as the other’s lips form a small smile. He looks miserable.

“They don’t even know. Nobody knows apart from me. I guess you do too but I doubt you’ll go off telling people tomorrow.” His humour is morbid and maybe two years ago, Kihyun would have called it insensitive but as of right now, he likes it. It takes the edge off what they’re going to do. As much as he knows it shouldn’t, making a joke out of it eases him.

“I’m the opposite.” Mingyu’s face morphs into mild confusion, “Everyone knows. They just don’t care. They’re all so tired of me, they’ve told me that before.”

“That’s sad.” A weak sigh slips from his parted mouth, “This is sad. I’m sad.” It’s like he’s a robot broken down and malfunctioning because as soon as he says those words, they’re the only ones his poor brain can supply. He repeats them over and over again, _“I’m sad, fuck I’m so fucking sad,”_ and all Kihyun can do is stand and watch.

He pulls out his phone and watches the digits on his black lockscreen change to _01:34_. “If it would help, do you wanna tell me all the shit you haven’t been able to say? Before you don’t have the chance to get them out,” he offers. There’s no breeze that passes them but Mingyu shivers nonetheless. He nods his head dumbly but doesn’t make any move to start vocalising his thoughts; Kihyun guesses that means _yes, but not yet_. He’s fine with that.

They stay staring at the heavy waves in comfortable silence for what seems like hours to Kihyun and mere seconds to Mingyu. His phone now reads _01:52_. “I can’t see myself having a future,” looks like Mingyu’s ready to let everything out. “I don’t have a dream to keep me going, I’m just kind of floating through each day. It’s so tiring to go to class and make jokes to keep this whole-” he moves his hands in circles over the edge of the railing as he tries to find the right words, “This whole charade up so nobody thinks I’ve fucking lost it or something.” His voice makes a sort of crescendo towards the end and Kihyun is all too familiar with that feeling of losing control.

A tear races down his right cheek as his head drops to look at the ground, almost mirroring exactly how Kihyun had stood earlier. “I don’t want this fucking pressure, every day is just one day closer to something I need to do for someone else and they go by so fast and I just feel so trapped and nobody gets it and they won’t believe me if I told them because I’ve gotten so good at lying and there’s just no fucking point anymore.” He’s panting now, tears flowing from his eyes with no signs of stopping and it looks like he doesn’t even care because he doesn’t bring a hand up to wipe them away. So Kihyun glances at him, face sticky and glistening where the salty water trails down his tanned skin, but keeps his mouth shut. He kicks some rocks into the river through the gap under the railing and mutters out a _“shit”_.

An uncomfortable feeling hits Kihyun’s chest as the scene plays out in front of him. That had been _him_ two years ago and after people told him to keep going, to get up and try again, everything had just become horribly worse. They’d said those things because they were the only socially acceptable things they _could_ say. They didn’t understand; if he couldn’t even manage to fall asleep at night, then how was he supposed to make a living in a world he’s never wanted to live in?

It hurts more than he ever expected it to, watching a stranger he’d met barely an hour earlier go through the shit he’d gone through. He decides in this moment that he’s not going to supply false hope and empty promises to the tall boy like everyone had done to him; he’ll make the pain stop for Mingyu before it gets even more suffocating for him. He doesn’t deserve that. He reaches his hand out of his front pocket to calm him down but the note he’d stuffed inside comes fluttering out.

On instinct, Kihyun falls to the concrete, knees screaming in pain from the impact and starts scrambling in the darkness to pick it up. Muttering out curses as his eyes start to brim with tears – he _needs_ Hyunwoo to know what he’d written – he lets out a shaky breath of relief as his hands grasp onto the scrunched paper. He feels pathetic when wind blows his hair in front of his face as he tries to gain control of his breathing again, aggressively wiping the tears from his face with his dirtied hand.

“Is that what I think it is?” Mingyu asks, motioning to the letter. He’s crouched on the ground next to Kihyun, though he never saw him come down. “Why did you come here with it? Aren’t you supposed to give them away _before_ you jump into the river? I mean not that I’m an expert or anything, you do you, man,” he jokes, faintly smiling as he raises his hands in mock surrender.

Kihyun chuckles lightly as his fingers tighten around the ripping note. If anyone were to walk by them, it would be so clear what their plans are – two boys on the ground, tear-stained and right by the edge of a bridge. It’s bitter to think about but he’d become so out of touch with reality that he had forgotten other people even existed and it’s like a slap in the face that somebody could walk towards them and try to talk them out of this.

Suddenly, he stands up so fast his vision blurs together and he stumbles into the cold metal. Mingyu reaches out his hand to steady him and it’s a nice gesture but it doesn’t exactly improve his state in any way. “I want to die so fucking bad it’s unreal,” in his head it sounds like screaming but it comes out hardly any louder than a whisper.

“Yeah,” Mingyu confesses with one word from next to him. “It seems like you really want to say those words to whoever you wrote that to,” he’s hesitant with his words, almost afraid.

“Yeah,” Kihyun repeats.

He has to take a deep inhale in before saying, “I can – uhm – come with you to give it to them. If you need motivation or whatever.” Kihyun’s about to decline when he realises this is probably Mingyu’s way of thanking him for letting him cry out his thoughts. Plus, he knows his last thoughts are going to be of regret if he doesn’t make Hyunwoo aware of just how much he appreciates him.

“Okay, yeah, sure. I’m not in a hurry, got all morning to take our lives, right?” He walks along the way he took to get here in the first place and prays Mingyu is following behind him.

Neither of them speak as they trek through muddy paths but Mingyu’s hand starts shaking, so Kihyun takes it between his and squeezes, not commenting on the tear drop that splashes onto a fallen dead leaf. When they reach the small house he had been (undeservingly) staying at during the cold nights with Hyunwoo, he doesn’t let go. Instead, he does everything with one hand, clutching onto the note and after some reluctance, he manages to pull himself together and slips it through the black letterbox staring wickedly at him against the white door.

Okay, no going back now. He couldn’t walk into the comfort of the house even if he wanted to, because the door locks automatically and he purposely chose not to bring the key with him when he walked out this morning. “So, we going back or what?” he tries to sound confident but the words are so heartbreakingly helpless that he actually winces after saying them. He looks up at the taller boy, and they keep eye contact for a couple of seconds before making a silent agreement to ignore everything until they’re at the bridge again. So they do, walking without speaking, fingers still curled into each other’s.

When the river is in their view again, Kihyun’s phone reads _02:24_ and they suck in sharp breaths as their eyes prick painfully for the nth time in the past hour. Together, they climb to the other side of the railing, not letting go of the other once, as if everything would crumble away instantly if they couldn’t feel their physical presence.

They turn their heads to face each other and when they nod, a signal that yes, they _were_ going through with this, raindrops start gently landing upon their dark hair. It’s oddly comforting, as if at least the Earth is crying with them too. After a hushed count to three, the two suicidal strangers hit the water close together, fingers intertwined.

They had lived lonely lives but they hadn’t died such lonely deaths. At least they had that.


End file.
